Apple, a company well known for its cult-like fanbase, unveiled its new AirPod One at their latest event. The AirPod One, as the name would imply, is a single AirPod with a tiny charging case to go with it. “We saw how many Apple fans only used one AirPod at a time, and our design team came up with this brilliant idea of cutting the waste AirPod,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook behind a slide reading “One Airpod. Limitless possibilities.”

The AirPod One is based on the Apple AirPods 3rd generation, but with a few necessary drawbacks. The new iNano charging case takes around 21 hours to charge, and has enough charge to power the AirPod One for an extra 30 minutes of playtime. Additionally, the AirPod One utilizes Apple’s brand new Quick Discharge battery, which means you can expect to listen to 4 whole 3 minute songs! We truly do live in the future.

In the presentation, Apple announced a new service for proper AirPod One maintenance and cleaning: the earwax buster. Now, you can have yearly cleaning, all done by Apple expert technicians for only $99.00. An Apple insider who helped to develop the AirPod One says that attempts to clean the earbuds will be reported to Apple through your other Apple devices and will void your warranty, as a 3rd party has attempted to repair the product.

Self-professed Apple Fanboy Norm E. reflected, “The AirPod One is such a brilliant concept. By eliminating the AirPod people don’t use, Apple can now give out twice as many AirPods, and in 2023, what this world needs is more people wearing AirPods.” Norm, like most high schoolers his age, can often be spotted with a single AirPod, probably listening to rap, pop, or another type of insufferable contemporary music. 

As we are very impartial here, we wanted to hear from that one kid with the knockoff wireless earbuds, who said, “I don’t get the hype about overpriced Apple products and the Apple ecosystem. The Air Pod One costs how much? I mean, Samsung has just as good of an ecosystem. Heck, the Google Play Store has all sorts of cool apps and features that you can’t get with an iPhone.” Immediately after this comment, the kid was attacked by a mob of mostly peaceful Apple fans. Stunning and brave.

Departing further from Apple-approved knowledge, we also talked to a computer science nerd who uses the Lenovo ThinkSystem. “Yeah, I have the ThinkPad, the ThinkPhone, the ThinkTab, the ThinkBuds, the ThinkStation, and the ThinkVision. When you really Think about it, Lenovo is kind of like the based man’s Apple.” He then returned to fruitlessly attempting to get volume controls working on Arch Linux.

The AirPod One is expected to hit select retail stores February 16th for the comparatively steep price of $259, twice the cost of the AirPods 3rd generation. Apple has made 3.4 million units available on their online store, which market experts project will sell out in 11 seconds.

Be sure to tune in for our next investigation: why does Apple list their prices as whole numbers instead of ending in .99 like everyone else?