Behind every successful athlete, there exists the parent who made it all possible – who drove to every away game, packed every snack and smiled at every win. But just as often, there is another kind of parent who carelessly ignored boundaries, stunted their child’s development and ruined their love for the sport.
Youth sports, as fun as they are, often become a way of life for the traversing families of young players. It’s the foundation upon which the player’s work ethic and sense of self is built. It’s not surprising then, that a player’s sense of self-worth is eventually contingent on their athletic performance; when all goes wrong, everything comes crashing down.
Reality TV stars and Olympic athletes often echo these concerns. Most recently, Simone Biles took a two-year hiatus from competitive performance in 2023, which incited nationwide discussions over the role of mental health in athletics.
In the real world, however, parents are oblivious to the long-lasting effect they have on their children and the surrounding players, for constant exposure to the overly aggressive nature of overbearing parents often has unintended consequences.
In 2023, Iowa lost nearly half of all its certified club soccer referees to aggressive parents. In the four years prior, they experienced a 46% decline in referee certifications. Most responsible for the decline is the constant exposure to verbal abuse and lack of respect endured by referees, with over 70% of former refs claiming their departure stemmed from parent harassment.
“I almost never officiated a game in which the parents were calm and peaceful,” said junior and former referee Colton Schuette. “Whenever a call would go the other way, the parents behind me would complain and, sometimes, verbally insult me, the rest of the refs and even opposing players. Eventually, I got sick of it and quit.”
Though the competitive nature of sports is inevitable, some parents lack the maturity to handle such an environment. When things don’t turn out in their favor because their team is losing or their child is underperforming, many parents who don’t take it out on their child, take it out on the referee.
But referees are vital in player development. Beyond their officiating, refs ensure that all players are safe and promote sportsmanship above all else. Without them, there would be no game to begin with.
In soccer, specifically, every game needs three officials – a center and two assistants. Busy weekends, therefore, require organizers to contact hundreds of referees. A lack thereof limits the authenticity of the game and ruins it for the players.
“Nothing ruins a game more than a bad ref,” said avid soccer player Charlie Gannaway. “At the end of most official games, coaches have to fill out a form asking if the referee influenced the outcome of the game. As a player, it really sucks when the coaches are forced to answer yes because it feels like all of our hard work goes to waste.”
In addition to a lack of referees, overbearing parents instill unsustainable coping mechanisms in their children.
When struggling with a negative performance, players must navigate through the rough waters of self-doubt independently from their parents. Excessive parent intervention hinders their ability to build resiliency and learn how to tackle the unfamiliarity of failure.
Such a subtle lift-up is exactly what athletes need from their parents to reinforce their child’s aspirations and develop their sense of self. A happy medium between overbearance and negligence allows athletes to immerse themselves into the sports with a healthy amount of supervision from their parents.
A lack of balance arises when parents blur the line between genuine advice and belligerent criticism, often projecting their own lives and struggles onto their children’s success. They view their child as a means to their own success, an investment for the future as they attempt to ‘live vicariously’ through their child.
As a result, the focus of the parent is not to facilitate the development of the player, but to win, without any regard to the player himself.
When such a large emphasis is placed on the winning aspect of athletics, parents are more prone to come into conflict with the coach and referees when results lack their favor. A volatile relationship between a parent and coach often results in the parent undermining the coach’s authority, confusing the player as to who they should listen to.
More importantly, it strains the relationship between the player and their teammates. If the child is constantly told to go against the coach’s instructions, it reinforces patterns of selfishness within the player, rupturing the delicate team dynamic.
