Going into senior year I thought the hardest part would be college applications. From people older than me, it sounded time-consuming and like a daunting task. Don’t get me wrong, it definitely was. But the hardest part is something no one even mentions: picking a college. For some people, they know exactly where they want to go. But in my case, I only had a small idea of what I even wanted to major in.

I applied to ten colleges and that was my first mistake. Not only was it time consuming and expensive, but it meant that I had to wait to hear back from ten schools. Some schools were super quick to hear back from –  Colorado State University and the University of West Florida sent letters in November, for example – but other schools I didn’t hear back from until late March. This left for a wide gap to make a decision. Should I go with the school I really like in November and fill out all the applications that go with that school? Or should I wait to fill stuff out until I hear from all the other schools?

Looking back, I wish I would’ve completed my applications differently. As an only child, I didn’t have any older siblings to ask for help from and applications have changed so much since my family members have gone through this so they had no idea either. But, here I sit in mid-April still not knowing exactly what I want my decision to be. Colleges, high school and family members put so much pressure on this decision so trying not to disappoint anyone can be tough.

First, colleges. Colleges put the deadline of May 1 for the intent to enroll to be submitted by. Back in August, this seemed like a fake date. There was no way May 1 would happen, or at least come so soon. Also, people make it seem like after filling out school applications, everything else will just take care of itself. But, no. There are scholarship applications to fill out, housing applications to figure out and campus visits to schools.

The colleges give little to no resources on extra information about their school. Most of this research must be done on random websites to find out why one should attend this school or what the social life of the campus is. This can lead to differing opinions of the school and facts that cross each other. With the little substance the school gives, it makes it hard to really tell if it’s the right match or not. With added pressure of not only will I succeed here comes the pressure of fitting in or not, too.

The second reason picking a college is so difficult is high school. Yet again it seems like there are zero resources for people looking out-of-state. Hardly anyone in Iowa is going to know about schools in California or Florida. In another aspect, teachers expect school to be the number one priority, and even though it is, it might not be the high school at the top of list. Figuring out what lies ahead is a scary, stressful thing and having homework, tests and projects added on top is drowning. Never was there a time when I could just focus on picking a college without thinking about how far behind I was getting in my other classes.

Also, campus visits are a very common way to really see what the college is like. But, leaving high school for a few days at a time isn’t the easiest task. Hardly any college visits are offered on weekends so that means touring during the school week. This also means getting behind in school. Trying to keep up on missed work while having senioritis is definitely draining, but most colleges expect grades to remain the same through senior year so slacking is not an option.

But the biggest things that makes picking a college the hardest is the fear of making the wrong decision and disappointing. With any big step in life comes the fear of failure. Am I making the wrong decision? Is this really the right for place for me? Can I really survive living so far away from my friends and family? These are all questions I continue to ask myself. And though my family has been supportive throughout this whole journey, I can definitely tell where there opinions lie. This has made things even more difficult because not only am I questioning if I like the school, I am wondering if my family agrees. Unfortunately for me I can tell my heart differs with my mom’s, but I still know she just wants me to be happy and she’ll be fine with wherever I pick.

Yet, when it comes down to saying yes to the school, no decision has ever been harder. I find myself questioning to follow my heart or my head, myself or my family. Deciding the next four years of life is no easy task; people like me are left feeling rushed to meet deadlines, especially when schools send acceptance or denial letters back with less two months to decide. With senior year in my head as a junior, I thought I would know my future by at least February. Yet here I am, with two weeks left to decide, feeling just as lost as ever.