High school relationships never last. Rare is it to see a couple make it to their 1-year anniversary. Teenage relations beyond flings the lengths of weeks are scarce.
Some, though, break the status quo.
Of course, we’re all thinking of the same couple. The pair that has stuck it out for nearly five years, seen ups and downs, and been the subject of incalculable rumors and unfathomable gossip.
Rather, they had been Pleasant Valley’s longest lasting relationship.
That’s right, Seniors Caleb Swinney and Rhema Saddler have, after a fruitful 5-year labor-of-love, decided to part. Their deeply-rooted passion for each other can only be emulated by similarly-long relationships, like Senior Lexi Pelzer and Junior Margil Sanchez.
“Margil and I were shocked when we found out,” Pelzer explained. “It stings even more knowing that Caleb had just saved up enough money from working at Best Buy to buy an engagement ring for her.”
“We were soulmates,” commented Saddler. “He was the apple to my pie, the straw to my berry, the Meghan Markle to my Prince Harry, the incest to my royal family, the water to my bottle, the Andrew Tate to my pizza box, the Bubbl’r to my mentally-ill high schooler.”
Clearly, news of their split has put the school over the edge, quite literally. The sewage clogs that have plagued the school since early-September are directly correlated to the increase in flushed teary-tissues at the news that true love may never exist.
Saddler reports, “When I found out that he was cheating on me with multiple girls, I was heartbroken. I cried for forty days and forty nights; the river flooded with my tears, killing 34 people and injuring many more. I told him we were through a couple days later.”
Swinney retorts, “We actually only dated for a week in middle school. I just forgot to break up with her.”
Tensions are high between the former lovebirds, and some students have even taken to betting on which member of the ex-power couple will win in their upcoming fight.
“Honestly, I’m nervous. I’m betting on Rhema. She’s a strong, powerful woman. Caleb is not a strong, powerful woman. In fact, he’s a man,” discussed Pelzer.
Even Swinney seems unsure of his standing in their skirmish. “I’m placing my bets on Rhema. I heard she is putting peanut butter on her fists.” Swinney has a lethal allergy to nuts.
This rift will undoubtedly rock the landscape of PVHS for years to come, and some teachers are prepared for drastic measures.
“I don’t really know who that is, but I’m sorry that happened, I guess,” English teacher Robyn Samuleson tearfully reported. “Can you leave me alone?”
Will the Spartans pull through this dark moment in the Valley? Only time will tell.
