Satire: Recent poll finds most students would rather wear a mask than a heart-rate monitor in P.E.


Jonathan Sulgrove

In a poll conducted by SUFFOCATE, students get to choose between wearing a heart-rate monitor or a mask.

Jonathan Sulgrove, Opinion Editor

A recent poll conducted by Students United For Fiercely Opposing the Calculation of the Arterial Transportation of Erythrocytes (SUFFOCATE) found most students at Pleasant Valley High School are finally enjoying gym class.

The group asked 100 students whether they would prefer to wear a heart-rate monitor or a mask in gym class, and the numbers were overwhelmingly in favor of wearing a mask with 90 votes preferring a mask, 5 votes preferring a heart-rate monitor and 11 without preference.

Due to COVID-19 policies set by the district, physical education classes are not requiring students to change, wear heart-rate monitors or perform medium-level to high-level activities. Instead, students must wear masks, spray their hands with hand sanitizer and avoid fun at all costs.

“I don’t care what I have to do in gym class, just so long as I don’t have to wear a heart-rate monitor,” said senior Imaf Ailure. This year Ailure is taking three periods of P.E. to make up for failing previous semesters due to the dreaded heart-rate monitors. He believes that his strategy has finally paid off, as now he gets full credit for doing nothing.

The teachers are enjoying this new method as well. “Students are guaranteed to pass as long as they show up,” according to P.E. teacher Jim Nasium. “That not only makes grading super easy, but I don’t have to worry about failing students and then having those dumb conversations with parents about why their student isn’t participating.”

Junior Nee Dair is on the other side of the spectrum preferring not to have to wear a mask. She colorfully expressed her discontent with the situation.

“I remember when I was a little kid, my parents told me not to put a plastic bag over my head because then I wouldn’t be able to breathe,” she recalled.

“Now, I’m encouraged to hinder any method of breathing in the name of SCIENCE. And if I try to tell anyone when I can’t breathe due to my asthma, everybody thinks I’m referring to George Floyd. I really wish they still allowed face shields.”

Next, SUFFOCATE plans to poll about whether the sanitation of heart-rate monitors would really be enough to keep students safe or if the monitors should be gone for good.