Satire: Scientists declare SpaghettiOs a soup once and for all


Jonathan Sulgrove

In accordance with the new declaration, the Campbell Soup Company is now making their SpaghettiOs with extra sauce and less Os so all the Soupocrats can say “I told you so” to their Repastacan counterparts.

Jonathan Sulgrove, Opinion Editor

In the dark mist of all that is 2020, a beacon of light has appeared: scientists have finally determined that SpaghettiOs is a soup.

The age-old debate is over. Those who considered SpaghettiOs a soup (known as Soupocrats) are rejoicing, while those who considered it a pasta (known as Repastacans) are lamenting the proclamation, shouting “Uh oh, SpaghettiOs!”

The decision came after much deliberation, as there are multiple points for each side. Repastacans point out that there is more pasta in the can than sauce and that the pasta is the main focus, not the red sauce.

On the other hand, Soupocrats note that the consistency of SpaghettiOs is that of soup and it shares the same main ingredients as soup – specifically tomato soup. Their last argument is that SpaghettiOs come in a can, just like soup.

There is also the view of the Neithertarians who believe that SpaghettiOs just should not have a classification and citizens are free to believe and eat what they want. Unfortunately, they are not taken very seriously, as they do not have much influence.

This change is predicted to increase demand for the product, as kids can now use the old “soup is healthy” trick on their parents to purchase more SpaghettiOs. It has also prompted the soup campaign to use the motto “tricks are for kids.”

The Soupocrat’s target audience has always been Partially Obese Children (POC). At one of their rallies they even played “It’s Raining Tacos” in an attempt to garner support. However, the Repastacans are worried that this focus might promote reverse discrimination against adults who enjoy SpaghettiOs as well.

The Campbell Soup Company, the maker of the product, has always marketed the product to POC. “They deserve to have just as much SpaghettiOs now as the adults have had their whole life,” said acting CEO Jack Gorsey. “Coincidentally, if any adults speak out against this opinion they are never heard from again.”

Although Campbell’s will be taxed more money with the new classification (due to higher demand), they will also make more money, widening the gap between them and the other “inferior” soup companies like Chef Boyardee and Progresso.

The Repastacans are not done fighting the decision, though. SpaghettiOs was widely regarded as a pasta for the past four years and they do not want that to end. They are claiming the Soupocrats rigged the vote by spilling SpaghettiOs on the Repastacan’s votes, rendering them invalid.

It is unclear whether this is true or not. The Soupocrats are claiming that the red stains on Repastacan ballots are not evidence, which is obviously correct because Repastacans do not deserve to have another four years.

There are mixed reactions about the situation in the Bettendorf area. Landon Lishop, a skinny junior who identifies as a POC, is pleased. “About time they got marked as soup!” he exclaimed. “Now I can finally tell all my friends I was right.”

Freshman Donna Drump is on the other side of the spectrum. “Believe me, [the Soupocrats] have zero chance of winning,” she said. “We will make a tremendous comeback after the fraud is exposed. This is gonna be huge. We will win!”

Senior Juan Giles associates with the Neithertarians. “Personally I’m not all that worried about the new SpaghettiOs classification itself but rather how it divides lovers of SpaghettiOs,” he said. “I think there shouldn’t be a classification so that way everybody can be equally unhappy about the handling of SpaghettiOs.

“Everybody is being a little dramatic about the whole SpaghettiOs situation. After all, there are other foods to eat.”

Giles is right about the other foods. Next on the scientists’ agenda is to determine whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich.