Satire: PV student juggles seven uninterrupted study halls


Photo credit to James Guest

Phillip Philibacher suffers from an upset stomach after drinking his 3rd chocolate milk

Jimmy Guest, Student Life Editor

“I pretty much just sit in a room all day,” said PV senior Phillip Philibacher who claimed that due to a scheduling error, his education has been put in a perilous state. He has been assigned seven consecutive study halls and an 8th period freshman health class. “My parents still think I’m learning,” said Philibacher, during his sixth open period of the day.

Philibacher’s lack of academics has given him the opportunity to pick up other skills. “I’ve learned how to juggle, speak in Klingon and play the clarinet. This week I’m attempting to build the entire Lego Death Star.”

However, the boredom that comes with spending all day with no pertinent task at hand has started to negatively affect Philibacher who said he would rather “live in eternal hell.”

Study hall supervisor, Erin Mathis, weighed in on the situation. “The kid never leaves, sometimes he will just fall asleep on the floor,” she said. “I once caught him trying to pitch a tent and roast hot dogs over a Bunsen Burner.”

Mathis also believes rumors that this phenomena is part of a conspiracy by PV administration. “I overheard a conversation in the break room while fetching a Diet Coke from the vending machine; they’ve been trying to save money on resources by assigning more study halls,” she said, “Also the vending machine is out of Diet Coke.”

Not only has the situation raised concerns for adults, but his peers are beginning to feel uncomfortable due to the long hours he spends in the commons. Another student, Jake Bueller, questions if Philibacher is even enrolled at the school. “There is no way administration would let this happen.”

“Of course we are letting this happen,” said administrator Rowley David, “we can’t even afford Diet Coke.” When SlangWhanger staff pointed out that assigning seven study halls goes against school policy, David replied, “Wait, really?”

In other news, a school board hearing will be held next week to discuss the termination of former Pleasant Valley administrator, Rowley David.