Satire: “It’s truly mind over matter,” said Pleasant Valley sophomore and captain of the stone-carving team, Chad Bradson, as he patiently awaits the chills of winter. For winter is the time for Bradson to show his true color: the purple of frostbite. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” he said, “like walking pneumonia.”

Bradson scoffs in the face of his trouser-bearing peers, for he wears nothing but the finest Nike basketball britches. He rejects the pleads of his mother, Marian Bradson, who wishes he would sport a pair of more weather-appropriate pants.

“One day I made him leave the house in jeans, but he came home wearing those Nike shorts,” she recounted. “I found his pants hidden in the bush of our front lawn.” Even nearby neighbors have complained after finding a pair on their own front porch.

The phenomenon has caused many doctor visits for Bradson. “I’m seriously concerned for his health,” said his pediatrician, Dr. Timothy Gubbins, “but with all the money we’re making off his frequent visits, it’s truly been great for business.”

Although all of his friends and family are concerned for his health, Bradson has no plan to stop here. He intends to begin wearing daily tank tops upon winter’s first snowfall. Bradson says his life goal is to “skinny dip in the snow.”