Satire: The deadly side effects of the senior bench

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Photo credit to Shashank Inampudi

Suspended students sit on the bench between passing periods.

Shashank Inampudi, Photo Manager

Of the many questions bright-eyed freshmen have, one of the most perplexing is: “How do all of these seniors sitting on the bench during passing period get to class on time?” The answer to their question is simple: they do not.

“Students who sit on the ‘senior bench’ have amassed an average of 43 tardies,” said administrator Davis McPheely. “That’s an average of 14 detentions per student, all of which have not been served. Some students have been suspended, or even expelled, but we don’t know why these kids won’t stop sitting on that bench!”

Senior Stephan Hicks, a regular senior bench sitter and an active member of the stone carving club, commented, “I honestly wish I didn’t have to sit on the bench, but my knees won’t stop giving out when I try to walk to class.”

Surprisingly enough, there have been several doctor reports similar to the case of Hicks. Hicks’ pediatrician, Dr. Robert Roberts said, “Some of these students have adversely affected their health by the long hours on the bench. Hicks, for example, has lost so much bone density that he cannot walk without experiencing stress fractures. Usually this happens to sedentary patients over a lifetime. Hicks, however, has managed to do this in a couple months.”

Teachers are also worrying about seniors, albeit for a slightly different reason. “Half of my students aren’t here fifteen minutes into class,” said American literature teacher Samantha Clementine. “If this doesn’t change, I have to fail half the class again, and I don’t know how much more I can take. However, it’s really nice to spend more time teaching students who don’t drone about their joint pain like elderly people.”

Coaches are working hard to keep these athletes eligible. Bill Henderson, head coach of the competitive underwater basket weaving team, is an excellent example. Several eyewitness reports indicate that on Nov. 14, Henderson grabbed two star underwater basket weavers by the legs and dragged them down a hallway. He subsequently drop kicked them into their 3rd hour French 2 class.

Administrators, however, are stressing a nonviolent approach. McPheely said, “While I completely understand Coach Henderson’s frustration, manhandling students is not an acceptable course of action. We can only pray that the next generation is better than this one.”

Parents, teachers, doctors, and other students are questioning the health effects of sitting on the senior bench. Despite their worries, the spirits of the sitters have remained strong, yet their knees have not.